Last week, I went to my family doctor and asked for a referral to see a psychiatrist. I told him what I’ll tell you: the further away from Erica I get, the more I see that she was toxic, abusive, manipulative and controlling. The more I see I have a LOT of healing to do. Because she did a LOT of damage, and I can honestly say that she caused more damage and more trauma than any other person in my entire 47 years on this planet. She is worse than my father, worse than my mother and worse than anything I have lived through to this point. I’m struggling to process the damage she’s done and find my way back to who I used to be. I need help healing the damage caused by the single most destructive person I have ever known.
Why worse?
Because she used her skills and her training to do harm, in a deliberate, calculated, conscious and purposeful way. She did it with intent, and with understanding of the impact. I trusted her, and she used that trust as leverage to do harm. And she fucking got off on it.
This past 3 weeks and 4 days have been the hardest and most challenging of the last twenty years – and that includes a nasty divorce and custody battle. And not just difficult for me, but for my wife, and my boys. The three of them have had to watch me journey through this hell. Even this morning, I was jolted awake by yet another Erica nightmare.
Every. Single. Time. I. Sleep. I wake up to nightmares.
I said in an earlier post that Erica used her body and her counselor training to create a trauma bond with me shortly after we met, in the days following my accident in September of 2019. A trauma bond that she then used to manipulate, control and abuse me for the duration of our relationship. The relationship where she slowly, imperceptibly dismantled who I was and twisted me into someone that is a stranger to all who know me.
It started with an incident that took place 9 days after my accident. In my home, and in my bed. An incident that the further away I get from it, the clearer it becomes to understand. Erica used me, created a power dynamic and then used it to her advantage.
I have struggled a lot with the question so many times since then. Always in my own head. “Was it a sexual assault?”
It’s a question I have asked only a very few of my closest friends and a therapist that I trust. Primarily I’ve felt shame and embarrassment because I didn’t say no as it was happening. Though, ever since I have felt uncomfortable with the idea that someone took my control away from me – and then used it as a source of pride, that the body chemistry was so powerful and she was so irresistible that even broken bones couldn’t stop my desire for her.
As time and distance grows between us, and the spell she had over me fades away, I once again started reaching out to my support groups, somewhere I was afraid to go for support because of her fear of being thrust into the open with the clients that were also in those groups. I posed the question to a group of people within the poly community on Facebook, anonymously, as I hoped to filter out any bias. I wanted completely unbiased opinions from people who knew nothing about me.
The post exploded and has since gone viral. The reactions and responses number in the hundreds. EVERYONE is saying the same thing: I was sexually assaulted by a Registered Clinical Counsellor who specializes in sexual violence and trauma who had very specialized training that meant she absolutely knew someone in my emotional and physical state who was also under the very heavy influence of prescription narcotics was NOT capable of consent, even if I thought I was able to.
Erica not only should have known better, she did. And then, she bragged about it after the fact in text.
I need to point this out: That she acknowledged how much she enjoyed having that kind of control over me not withstanding, the fact that she said she couldn’t see having that kind of control over me again is an acknowledgement that she fucking KNEW she took something from me that I would never give of my own free will. In her own words, she demonstrated that she was aware she had control over me and took advantage of it – and LOVED it.
Doctors, therapists, nurses, counselors, victims, professionals, regular people, specialists.. All of them are telling me the same thing: What Erica did was sexual assault. I couldn’t see it then because of a trauma bond that she very meticulously created and maintained, but understanding now what it was is helping me understand why the past month has been so incredibly difficult and devastating. I now see and understand the abuse and the harm. I understand that if the situation was identical, but the gender roles were reversed, I’d be going to jail right now.
I have reached out to a sexual assault therapist and will be seeing a psychiatrist who can help me navigate the deeper wounds and help me come back to myself and my family. They are also going to help me find the resources to take legal action. I’m prepared for an avalanche of ridicule and stigma that comes with being a guy who is willing to say “this happened to me and it wasn’t ok”, but honestly? I don’t give a shit what anyone else thinks. I’m not going to quietly slink away to try to put my broken heart back together on a remote island somewhere while under the impression that my abuser is my friend as she loudly lives her best life without a care in the world. I will not spend my life healing while she parties.
I teach my boys every day to stand up and advocate for themselves. This is me leading by example.
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