Over the past couple days, I have had some long, deep conversations with my wife about the past 3 years, 8 months and 8 days since I met Erica. Shawna and I have had long conversations about how much and for how long she’s hated Erica, from fairly early on. We had a really real talk about how she felt trapped between giving me an ultimatum that would have blown up in her face, to patiently waiting for me to see Erica for what she was: selfish, duplicitous, entitled, oblivious to her privilege, nosy, condescending and insecure. Shawna was able to see all the red flags, right from the start. She’s hated Erica ever since the one-two punch of Erica asking Shawna to lie to me (more on that further down), and then being a complete asshole and berating me and making me feel like a jerk because I asked Shawna to bring me a sweater while out on a bike ride because I got SUPER cold when the weather turned suddenly. Erica LOST HER MIND and started a fight with me because she just COULD NOT fathom the concept of a partner showing up for their other half. It was just that foreign to her.
It didn’t matter a whit to Erica that it didn’t bother Shawna one iota to bring me a sweater, and she was happy to do it, as we’re a team and that’s how we’ve been for each other since day one. But Erica didn’t approve, so Erica meddled and caused waves for us and Shawna HATED her for it. (Don’t even get me started on Erica’s hatred for the “pink job/blue job” system Shawna and I have used for the division of labor for a DECADE before before Erica was even a thought.)
During these conversations over this past week, Shawna was finally able to talk about how frustrating it was to have all her wants, needs and desires constantly being put second to a metamour with a homewrecker kink was difficult for her.
Unfortunately for my wife, she married an incredibly loveable idiot with ADHD who gets hyper-focused on things, and kinda goes overboard with new pursuits and gets distracted by shiny things once in awhile. Who sometimes takes far too long to take a step back, slow down and figure out the obvious. According to her, it’s just one of my many peccadillos.
I was so fucking lost in the idea that this incredibly beautiful, tall, vibrant woman who was University educated, who had travelled the world and grew up in a world of privilege and opportunity and who could EASILY have any guy she wanted had her sights set on me? A middle aged, overweight, out of shape old man from the wrong side of the tracks? The guy who never went to school, didn’t have a 9-5, couldn’t travel, and had horror-movie teeth? Not gonna lie, I was flattered and it felt good to have that kind of attention. I was completely blind to the fact that I was being used to satisfy her kinks, fetishes and love for the taboo. I was her human AirBnB – someone to distract her from a life she was DEEPLY unhappy with. (More on her buying a house a couple blocks away from me without telling me about it until after it was done, copying my life, and existing in all the same places I exist in a later post.)
I was totally blind to the fact that Erica didn’t want ME, she wanted my lifestyle. She wanted lazy river days, walks in the forest, hammocks in the sunshine, back yard fires, and kale patches in the garden. She only wanted me because I was a “bad boy” with tattoos from the wrong side of the tracks that came with a few handy little perks, a dirty little secret that was nothing more than someone who she could get all those things from, and who she could play out her taboo father figure fantasies with. A “Daddy” to work out her daddy issues with, I suppose.
On that topic… For as long as I can remember, I’ve always had a strong paternal drive to care, guide, nurture and protect. That has always been an ingrained component that makes me, ME, and came from a deeply nurturing place. I’ve always wanted to be the caretaker, the problem solver, the fixer of problems, the one who was a “safe space”. The one a partner could come to for help, comfort and support. Erica recognized that in me from our earliest conversations, and our very first in-person date. She saw that in me and took advantage of that from the word GO. She played on my instinct to take care of people. It’s why I always ran (never walked) to take care of her. To replace the brakes on her Jeep, to hang a barn style bathroom door in her guest bedroom, to unbox and assemble her E-bike when it arrived, to run over to her house and be a shoulder to cry on when she broke up with her fiancée of 9 years and then kicked him out of the home he paid for half of, to installing an alarm system in her house so she could feel safe in her home alone, to taking professional photos for her website, to building massive wall-to-wall shelving in her office. For fuck sakes, she even asked me to build her a bed in the back of her Jeep and check her brakes and oil while we met in a park to have a big fight about why she broke up and told me it was over – so she could go on a road trip to California for two weeks without the obligation of having to “check in” with a partner. As she put it while we fought during a bike ride around the same time; “I want to do whatever the fuck I want without having to answer to anyone!” And because I’m a gullible asshole who is addicted to the hope she spoon fed me at every opportunity, I built the goddamn thing and fixed her Jeep for her.
She demanded to be taken care of in every imaginable way, from the structure of your sentences and the tone you spoke to her with, but didn’t want the burden of having to do the same for ANYONE else. She wanted a Daddy, but only when she wanted something or it suited her. When it came to something I needed, I was told to fuck off.
From the very beginning, she got off on doing things that were, by everyday standards, unethical. The thrill of “getting away with it”, and in her own words, “breaking rules” were a “turn on.” That was the appeal for her. It turned her on to no end to indulge in taboos. Her favorite taboos were cheating on her partner, and coaxing me to cheat on mine.
For her, “Daddy” was a kink. She saw – and used me – as a fantasy. Nothing more. When she was in the mood, I was a Daddy, a father figure and a guidepost. Outside of that, nothing. I wanted to be a caregiver, she wanted to use me as a fantasy dispenser. For her, the kink was the “taboo”. The doing something sneaky and devious, to “get away with something”. She got off on coming to my house when my wife was asleep upstairs to make out in the basement, or in my shop, or have me come over to her new house while her Fiancé was upstairs asleep or passed out. For her, lying and being sneaky was the biggest thrill, and she COULD NOT GET ENOUGH. Lying was just the cost of getting what she wanted, and it didn’t matter to her at all if someone got hurt.
In a previous post, I pointed out where Shawna’s disliking and distrust of Erica started. The above is where Shawna’s hatred of Erica was really cemented; Shawna was well aware of Erica trying to get me to lie and sneak out of the house. Erica asked me to lie to her and tell her we were having tea and playing crib, when really, Erica wanted the thrill of getting away with a romp while her fiancé and her best friend were passed out upstairs. What Erica didn’t know, though, is that because it was Valentines day, Shawna and I had put the boys to bed, and were watching movies and cuddled up in bed, and I didn’t feel like going anywhere. But Erica doesn’t like to be told “no”. She doesn’t like ANY sort of rejection, and it sends her into spirals. When someone doesn’t give in to her, she takes it as a rejection and pouts and whines to get what she wants. So, yeah. I used my wife as an excuse to not have to go out in the middle of the night to indulge her.
And she never could understand why Shawna didn’t just love her to bits.
I don’t care what anyone says, and I could care less about anyone’s judgement about our chosen lifestyle; When one is subjected to lies, deception, constant pressure to assist in those deceptions, it’s abuse. If one is afraid to say no, and put under pressure to acquiesce because you’re afraid of the fallout, that’s abuse. Erica constantly lied, manipulated, created her own realities, deceived everyone around her, and gaslit the SHIT out of me.
And for far too long, I fell for ALL of it.
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