It’s been a minute since I posted! I took a month to focus on myself and healing the damage caused by the single most awful person that has ever come into my life. Mostly, I’ve just been getting out there, getting back into photography, healing, growing, connecting with old friends and making new ones, attending group meetings and reconnecting to the version of myself that my abuser tried to steal from me and my loved ones. All while slowly killing the version she created. But also for reasons that will become very, very evident in the not too distant future, I have been preparing, organizing and getting all my ducks in a row for the battle ahead.
As I write this, I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed.
Ok….. a LOT overwhelmed.
I’ve spent the last month doing a lot of reading, talking to a lot of people, having meaningful conversations with people in groups, and despite my initial tendency to refuse any “self help” reading, I’ve gone DEEP into a couple books. In particular, a book called “Start Here” by author Dana Morningstar.
This book has been incredibly impactful and eye opening. It’s changing my entire understanding of the last 4 years, allowing me to see my time with Erica through a much clearer lens, and has managed to convert at least some of my hatred and rage for Erica into pity. At times – for the briefest of moments – I actually feel sorry for her. But only until I remember that not only has she never felt even one nanosecond of remorse for any of the people she’s lied to or hurt but in fact enjoyed it. It’s fueled her, and I remind myself that she deserves no pity.
Anyways… Dana’s book isn’t the only reason I’m overwhelmed. The internet has been a mind blowing source of understanding too.
First, as well as what I’ve learned about my narcissist abuser from Dana’s book, I came upon this article breaking down what a sociopath is and how sociopathy presents.
IT. ALL. FITS.
And it’s not confirmation bias, either. I have so many examples, in texts, photos, audio recordings and memories. Sociopathy fits.
Second, I found this article while trying to find answers to some questions that continue to nag at me about this entire ordeal. The article discusses a few of the early stages of what I have come to learn is trauma bonding, a tactic used by narcissists. As I read it, I find myself bewildered, embarrassed and ashamed. It’s like it was written about my experience with Erica. I literally read it and for each one, I’m going “Yep. Yep. Yep. Oh DEFINITELY. Holy shit, YES!”
I feel stupid for not seeing it in real time. I’m mortified that it took me so long to see her for what she is.
For every one of these, I have a specific memory of a fight, a rupture or some sort of discord that serves as an example to each. Not just one or two, but DOZENS.
Let’s start with:
1. Love Bombing
Love bombing involves the sudden, intense attempt to create a “we” in a relationship through high praise and excessive flattery. While this dynamic typically occurs between a perpetrator and victim of abuse, it can sometimes involve other people surrounding the couple. Sometimes, in some abusive circumstances, the abuser may seem oblivious to their manipulation; however, that is typically not the case in a trauma bond.
In a trauma bond, love bombing can subtly set the stage for an abusive dynamic by:
- Allowing the abuser to prey on the victim’s emotions, deep hopes, desires and dreams. It is similar to someone saying “look what I can offer you, and no one else has or will love you like this”
- Causing the victim to let their guard down and trust the abuser’s intentions
- Fostering positive feelings and validation between the possible perpetrator and victim
- “Proving” that an abuser has good intentions
- Providing a sense of stability and security
Yes! Absolutely, yes.
From the very first conversations, the selfies, the compliments, the flirting, the flattery, the expressions of sexual desire, all of it was there. There was always a cycle – an “attention/withdraw/attention/withdraw” happening. She would say delightfully complimentary things, from how wonderful of a change my ability to communicate was, how I was so “refreshing” because unlike her Fiancé, I didn’t shut down and withdraw when she needed to talk about something difficult. She’d constantly tell me how much she enjoyed our conversations, and couldn’t wait to talk to me. She’d send me racy photos to illustrate how sexy I made her feel, and how much she wanted me.
She’d tell me how she would be at a party with friends, and would be in the bathroom texting me because she couldn’t stop thinking about me. Or how she’d rather talk to me than sleep, knowing she had to work the next day. She made me feel SPECIAL, desired, wanted and important. From the very beginning, she made me feel like I was fucking magical. She made me feel wanted, and it was a really fucking powerful drug.
2. Trust & Dependency
In this stage, an abuser may purposefully test the victim’s trust and dependency on them usually leading to the target feeling guilty for questioning their partner. Doubts are expected in a healthy relationship and it takes time to get to know someone–not only for what they say but also for what they do.
When confronting the abuser at this stage, you may get a lot of flack for discounting all they have done for you, which is why the love bombing stage provides an vital setup for dependency. In trauma bonds, the idea that you can trust an abuser in the relationship is an illusion.
As I’ve stated in other posts and other parts of THIS post, Erica went to great lengths to gain my trust. A lot of it through love-bombing, but a lot of it was done by “therapizing” me – a term I came up with to describe when she would cross the line between being my partner and being a therapist. (Though, I didn’t recognize it at the time, I can see it quite clearly now. Erica and I had a dual relationship: At times, I was a romantic and sexual partner, at other times I was a client. She would throw all sorts of terminology at me, and speak to me as a therapist would, and not as a partner would. She would crawl inside my head and start rooting through traumas, telling me why I was the way I was and how no matter what, she would always be there, always, always, through thick and thin. She manipulated me into believing that I was so incredibly important to her and that she would always be there for me.
Looking back, I can see now that she saw me as broken, and something of a fixer-upper. Someone she could fix. I was her project, a “practice client” to affirm her abilities as a therapist. Right down to counseling sessions in her office (which towards the end, I started recording. I will be posting parts of those conversations in future posts) She would administer tests and send me links to “self diagnostic” questionnaires online, and she would talk to me for HOURS about trauma, triggers, childhood traumas, “little “t” traumas versus “big T” traumas. She could talk for hours, word salad me with therapy talk, and make me feel like I wasn’t broken beyond repair. I often joked that after I left her office (We would have these long conversations in her office, facing each other in her therapist/client seats) I felt like I owed her money for the session.
One time, she even got me some Adderall by bumming a few off her friend. 3 pills in an empty pill bottle with her now Ex-fiancé’s name on the label. (I still have the pill bottle with the label and the Adderall pills with the batch numbers printed on them, which can be traced back to the original prescription if it ever comes to that) She was playing therapist with me, and to this day, I really do believe that THAT was a large part of my appeal to her. I was a rescue, who was also good at satiating her “7 year itch”, her daddy kink and who was also really good at building shelves, fixing up her bike, changing the oil in her Jeep, and otherwise be handy when she needed a handyman.
I genuinely thought all of this was “care” and backing up her actions with words, but was in reality, it was her being fearful of my leaving or abandoning her. That was ALWAYS her biggest fear – that people didn’t need her, want her and would “abandon” her. (She once accused her friend of lying about her baby having Covid-19 and using it as an excuse to cancel coming to the Island to visit.)
Erica would CONSTANTLY force me to reassure her that I would “be there” and keep my promises. If I grey rocked her, withdrew or told her I was done and wanted out, she’d call or text until I responded, and if I didn’t respond, she’d show up at my door and demand to talk it out and “repair the rupture”. Right up until the very last time she ever showed her face at my house. After I stormed out of her house after catching her in yet another deception and lie, she showed up at my house without notice a few hours later – uninvited, unannounced and unwelcome – with another performative apology.
If you listen closely, you can hear me telling her how upsetting it was that she always chose to be dishonest and duplicitous over just being open, honest and choosing to NOT cause people pain with her lies and manipulations of truth.
It’s interesting to note that she’s treating my dog in this video the same way she treated me: If she was in a mood, both of us were invisible and pushed away. Lol
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3. Criticism
Once they’ve got your trust, emotional abusers may start to pick apart some of your qualities, identifying them as insignificant or problematic. This criticism can feel sudden, especially after experiencing the love bombing stage, but it is common for abusers to wait until a victim’s trust has been tested before they begin criticizing them.
The criticism phase is most noticeable during intense arguments or disagreements, where the abuser will likely blame their partner and the target may end up over-apologizing for things that are not their fault.
They may start to think along the lines of:
- “Wow, he still loves me and forgives me, even when I mess up.”
- “You’re right, I’m so sorry for questioning you.”
- “You want what’s best for me, so you’re right.”
This back-and-forth dance of harsh criticism and over-apologizing is the glue forming the trauma bond.
This is the one that lands hardest for me. This one is the most accurate, and was her most oft-used tactic. So many criticisms. Belittling me with her views about how we lived our lives and the decisions we made. About everything. The way I dressed, the way I raised my kids, the way my wife and I managed our relationship with each other, the way we ran our household, the way we divided household labor, the food we ate, the food we fed our kids, the way we spent our money, what we spent our money on, and WHERE we spent it – I got lectured about the evils of Amazon, while she herself held a Prime account. I got berated for going to Starbucks as often as I felt like it and wanted to, but she’d have a temper tantrum if I showed up at her house without a drink for her.
While she was never brave, bold or stupid enough to get in Shawna’s face with her criticisms, she was relentless about browbeating me with her judgements about… well, everything. From her disapproval about my buying a second E-bike so I could go on bike rides with my wife (Erica ended up being the one most often going on rides with me on that bike, leading to her wanting one of her own), to us spending $500 a couple plastic kayaks from Costco for the family to take to the lake, to my wife buying a paddleboard, to us buying the boys computers for Christmas, or giving them cell phones, Erica was absolutely unabashed about letting her disapproval be known about everything and anything.
When SHE was a kid, she had to get a job and buy her OWN stereo, and the fact we just GAVE stuff to our kids was absolutely unacceptable to her.
The irony of it was however, you couldn’t criticize, opine, suggest, recommend or advise Erica for ANYTHING. EVER. Not about her poorly built townhouse, where to buy toilet paper, how she drives, spends money, interacts with people, packs for a trip, how she rides the brakes while on a bike ride the same way she does in her Jeep – nothing. She is an adult, thank you very much, and does NOT suffer unsolicited advice or criticisms – constructive or otherwise.
The double standards were so incredibly infuriating. She could pick apart every facet of my life and criticize every aspect of how I lived it, but I couldn’t say anything to her. She was free to stand in front of my house, elbows deep in my garbage bin on the curb, scowl on her face while sorting my fucking garbage into the recycling bin and visa versa – all while berating me on the plight of the planet.
4. Manipulation & Gaslighting
Gaslighting and manipulation are two forms of psychological abuse often seen in trauma bonds that ultimately make victims question their reality and perception. Gaslighters will never fully or honestly take responsibility for their behaviors, and tend to shift blame onto the other person. It is very common for gaslighters to suddenly seem calm, cool, and collected once they have pushed their target to their breaking point. Gaslighting is a textbook behavior among common types of abusers like narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths.
Fighting back or challenging the abuser can often feel like it will never result in anything good, which sometimes leads to reactive abuse by the target. This term refers to the seemingly abusive behaviors committed by the target towards the oppressor out of blinding rage, survival or psychological preservation.1 It is normal for victims who engage in reactive abuse to feel extremely guilty and concerned when their behavior turns physical, leading the target of abuse to further question their identity, primarily because the gaslighting type of abuser seeks to isolate the target from anything and anyone that gives them a sense of reassurance, normalcy or independence.
This is where a large deal of my self loathing and shame comes from. Or at least… used to.
Because I saw and recognized these traits in her from early on, as I saw first hand how she treated her fiancé. How she browbeat him into submission, cheated on him (even before meeting me) and lied to him incessantly. I just told myself that because I could see it and recognize it, that I would be immune to it. I was not like him. I wasn’t a “yes, dear” kinda guy, so I wouldn’t succumb to her like that.
Boy, was I wrong. Erica is an absolute savant when it comes to inflicting her will and abuse. I was gaslit and manipulated on such incremental and imperceptible levels that I didn’t even notice it was happening. She did to me EXACTLY what she did to him. By the end of our “connection”, she was lying to me, hiding the truth, being sneaky and tricksy, being duplicitous, and doing to me EXACTLY what she did to him when she first met me. The only difference was, I started to see. I started to figure her out. And when that process started, I began setting boundaries for myself. I wasn’t going to buy into her bullshit “I care about you, I want to be friends” routine as she showed me to the proverbial door. That “you’re SO important to me, and I care about you SO MUCH” schtick that she’s perfected to sucker people she’s burned, used and abused into still being an option while she makes new sources her priority. It’s something narcissists do to protect themselves from the consequences of their actions. Keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer.
And if they’re ESPECIALLY beaten down and broken, they’ll even keep paying half your mortgage and bills so you don’t also end up out on the street right next to them where you threw them.
Erica was exceptionally skilled at subtle, covert gaslighting and emotional abuse. She could cut me and make me love her for it. She could crush my will and I’d SWEAR it was love. She could send me home in tears of frustration, anger and hurt, and I’d come right back the next morning, all doe-eyed and full of hope that today would be different.
There were so, SO many times when little, unimportant, inconsequential details in the course of conversation were argued with and debated, making me question my reality. Even in front of other people. Even in front of my OWN wife. She’d correct me of the most inconsequential of details, and derail my story to tell me I was wrong. She’d make me feel like a liar, and make me question my memories, perceptions and recollections. Whether it was the route I was taking while on a bike ride, or what drink I ordered at a drive in window, or EXACTLY how many days it had been since something happened (It was NINE days ago, not SEVEN!) or in what order exactly things happened over the last couple years. In later arguments or conversations, she would tell me how other people were rolling their eyes, or explain how their body language indicated how they REALLY felt about me or what I was saying.
The manipulation. Ugh.
The clearest example I have of her manipulating me is the night she wanted to see me, I said no, I was doing things with my family, and she got super upset and told me she would go for a walk – in the most dangerous area of town, at like…. 12:30 in the morning. She told me what street and in what direction, knowing full well I’d go chase her down to make sure she was safe. Why? Because it forced me to see her. But there were plenty of other times, following a similar pattern. I wanted space, she’d say she’d respect that, then send me a text telling me she was dysregulated, activated or needed me, and tell me how much she needed me to help her regulate. She’d always invade the space that she said she’d respect while calling it “care”.
Another tactic was that if she wanted to “talk it out” and I told her no because I was too upset, or not in a good space, or too angry and I KNEW a fight was imminent, she’d tell me how AWFUL of a day she had and how she really NEEDED to see me.
[2022-09-22 6:51 p.m.] Erica Van Driel: Are you around tonight or open to a visit? Around 8:45?
[2022-09-22 6:54 p.m.] Me: What do you have in mind? Like, what would the purpose of the visit be? To talk? Do you have stuff that you want to talk to me about? Or are you providing yourself as an audience for me to talk to? Genuine curiosity.
[2022-09-22 6:57 p.m.] Erica Van Driel: Just wanted to hear how your week has been, catch up? Didn’t have an agenda or anything hard to talk about. But of course would be an audience for you if you needed it
[2022-09-22 7:00 p.m.] Me: I appreciate the offer, but I think I’m good. 🙂 I don’t really have anything to talk about that I think we would have any success at discussing. That’s what Tara is for, and that’s been super helpful.
[2022-09-22 7:01 p.m.] Erica Van Driel: So you’re saying no to a visit altogether then? Even just friendly?
[2022-09-22 7:04 p.m.] Erica Van Driel: I guess I should’ve said it would be nice to see a friendly face after the week I’ve had.
That right there…. that was a very common manipulation tactic: “I want to see you/talk.” I say no. She conveys some awful mood she’s in, or how she had a bad day, a stressful client, SOMETHING.. She would create a environment where if I DIDN’T come right away, I was neglecting her needs, failing to “be there like you promised”, or whatever. She’d twist me up and make me feel like I HAD to be there, or I was failing her.
She also played on my attachment anxiety and fear of abandonment – if I didn’t come running, she’d just find someone who would. That was reinforced constantly by her cheating, lying and sneaking around and then apologizing and then justifying it. Eventually, when I started stepping back and setting boundaries, or demanding more reciprocation in the relationship – when I stopped being a good, reliable source – she found new ones. Ross, Wil, Dylan – and I’m absolutely positive there were other ones I never knew about.
5. Resignation & Giving Up
When dealing with a trauma bond, it is very common for targets of abuse to start giving in at some point to avoid more conflict. Fawning, or the “fawn” trauma response, are bargaining and people-pleasing behaviors that may ensure the relationship can remain somewhat stable.3 Targets may have some awareness they are being manipulated, but that small awareness may not be enough to exit the relationship yet, because the target may still be questioning whether or not they are to blame for the abuser’s behavior.
Depending on the length of the relationship and the nature of the psychological abuse, a target often becomes more dependent on the abuser to avoid further conflict by getting married, having children, or becoming more emotionally and financially reliant on their partner. There are many reasons why an abused person cannot easily leave, including safety concerns. It is natural to fear that an abuser’s behavior may escalate when they sense they are losing control when a target is threatening to leave or actually walking out of the door. Things can escalate and become physical or deadly for many domestic disputes.
Exactly this. Resignation. I got to the point where in order to avoid a fight, a confrontation or some sort of “rupture” (as she loved to call it) I’d just put my head down and acquiesce. Supplication was easier than trying to stand up for myself. She would just get angry, say hurtful things, and become just plain mean. If we were on a bike ride, she’d just take off, leave me behind and carry on her merry way like I was invisible. Her just storming off and leaving me behind was common.
The first time that it happened – where she got pissy and walked away in a huff – was on August 24th 2019. It was our second in-person date, and we had gone on a weekend van-camping trip to Port Renfrew. There was a place to hike down to the ocean, starting at a parking lot and going down a long, steep hill and popping out at the edge of these big rocky bluffs that sloped down into the ocean. (I’m pretty sure it was Botany Bay) She was slipping, sliding and stumbling all over the place like a giant Moose on a skating rink, and I made the horrible mistake of playfully teasing her about wearing Blundstones – with smooth soles – to hike on the oceanside cliffs of the Pacific North West during storm season. Next thing I know, she’s a hundred yards up the hill, walking back to the parking lot, furious and giving me the silent treatment.
And she was born and raised on this coast!? Jesus Christ. Blundstones look super cute and all, but are absolute shit on slimy, seaweed coated rocks that slope into the ocean at all sorts of angles.
Narcissists DO NOT TOLERATE criticism. Playful, constructive, or otherwise. Full stop.
I learned to – no… adapted the strategy of – just giving up and letting her have her way so it didn’t blow up into a huge fight. If I didn’t, she WOULD NOT let things go until she got from you what she wanted: Supplication. An apology, or for you to tell her what she wanted to hear – the way she wanted to hear it, in her expected vernacular. She completely browbeat me into submission, and stripped me of any ability (or desire) to stand up for myself, disagree with her and stand my ground with my convictions. I started to recognize it, because it’s exactly why her Fiancé just shut down and stopped engaging. When she first told me he was that way, I didn’t understand a guy that would just “shut down” in the way she described. As time went on and I got to know her better however, I was like.. “ohhhhh.” I started to understand, and started to do the same thing.
As I became fond of saying – If she was in a mood, she was nothing but rude. If I pushed back at all, it would turn into something unpleasant. So I just stopped.
I cannot tell you how many times I came home pissed off, ready to walk away, ready to quit. I was just DONE. I set fire to photos, to cards, took mementos off my desk, or out of my shop.. I would come home angry, pissed off, vent to Shawna, and I’d FUME. I’d be ready to call it, and would (admittedly) passively aggressively try to break up with her by greyrocking and becoming distant to create a safe space for myself between her and I, and she wouldn’t let me. If I went cold, tell her I wanted space, or even try the “Grey Rock” method, and she’d always find a way to con her way into a conversation and “soothe” my anger and “manage” me. She’d INSIST on meeting me for a walk and a talk – and word salad me into not being angry anymore, usually by showering me with apologies, self deprecating talk “I’m tired of hurting people/I don’t know why I get like this/tears, etc” and putting on her “wounded little girl” act to diffuse me and put me into a “caregiver” frame of mind. Sad face, sad eyes, hunched shoulders, defeated posture… you know, like a little kid does when they’re doing the whole “don’t be angry” routine.
This photo was taken the night she cheated on me with Ross in Comox 2 years ago. The night she lied, repeatedly reassured me that nothing was happening between them, they were just childhood friends, she wanted to meet up and have coffee, blah, blah, blah. I believed her and I trusted her, and she lied, yet again. And tried to spin and manipulate the truth to cover her lies.
I was so, SO done that night. I wanted out, and I wanted her out of my life. I knew already that she was a liar and a cheater, but thought that *I* was different and had earned honesty from her.
Wrong.
It was that night was when it REALLY hit home that she was willing to lie and cheat on me, just as she had with her ex. I wasn’t special, and I wasn’t different. I was getting the same treatment as her fiancé before me.
I set fire to everything, knowing that if there are words coming out of her face, they were lies. She meant none of them, they were just manipulation tactics and lip service. She used her words to convey the most beautiful sentiments, and then used it all as cover to do the most hurtful tings. She’d tell me how DEEPLY her old ex boyfriend Mike hurt and traumatized her by cheating on her, then she would go cheat on the people she pretended to love the EXACT same way. She cheated on her Fiancé while in Calgary on a coke bender with her bestie, and a few months later, she cheated on her Fiancé with me, and a few months after that, she cheated on me. LOL.
Oh, and the kicker about that photo of the card on fire? The day she bought that card and wrote those sugary sweet things in it? It turned into one of a thousand fights we had. She was squatting down against a wall in Port Place Mall downtown, and I just happened to walk up to her and conversationally and curiously asked her what she was writing. While she was filling it out and writing those words, (I had no idea what she was doing) she snapped off into an absolute snark because I ruined her surprise, and it turned into a “rupture”. Even in the act of giving me the card, her words and her actions were diametrically opposed. As were MOST of the words that came from her mouth and and the actions that came from her.
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6. Loss of Self
Throughout the stages of a trauma bond, there is a progressive loss of self, which brings tremendous pain and a disconnection from the world we once knew. People who leave abusive relationships may not seem like their usual selves due to a loss of their own identity and personal boundaries. Trauma bonds can be incredibly isolating, as you can lose many of your social connections due to the changes of self-identity that no longer match what people close to you are used to. This level of psychological destruction may lead to a complete loss of confidence and even suicidal ideation. For many, this emotional torture, shame, and guilt is built up for years, which can make it very difficult to face and move forward from.
This is uncomfortably accurate.
Dad jokes. Puns. Plays on words and language. One of my all time favorite things. I am a dad, I love dad jokes.
Nothing pissed Erica off as much as Dad jokes. Her rule was one a day. Even if she laughed (which ALSO pissed her off, because to laugh despite herself was INFURIATING to her) she’d get scowly and admonish me “ok, that’s your one”.
Why did they piss her off? Because of her Dad. According to her stories of her “traumatic childhood”, when she was a kid, he’d embarrass her to no end in front of the friends she so desperately wanted to be liked by. His Dad jokes made her cringe because he was interfering with her need for peer affirmation. She was ashamed of her dad, and his “never ending groaners and puns”. Thus, she was absolutely intolerant of me, because I reminded her of her dad and how embarrassed she was by him.
Poor Erica. Traumatized by her dad and his desire to make her laugh. Meanwhile, my dad used to beat me until I pissed myself. But that was the way. It was ALWAYS the way. Her “traumas” took precedent. Soothing and easing her discomfort was always, ALWAYS the priority. I had to change every facet of myself to make her more comfortable.
( This has ALWAYS been the favorite “Erica” joke of both my wife and I. The first time we ever saw/heard it a couple years ago, we were like “OH MY GOD, THAT’S ERICA!!”. We still ROAR every time it comes across our social media feeds. )
At the end of the 3 year, 8 months and 8 days of Erica being an almost daily presence in my life, I didn’t even remotely resemble who I was at the beginning.
The day I walked over on the ferry to Horseshoe Bay to meet her for the first time, I was silly, gregarious, quick with a dad joke or a pun, easy going and didn’t stress about much. I was creative and loved to tinker in my shop, make stuff, garden, and run a little business making handmade pipes and jewelry. I loved going on bike rides and swimming in the sun, and was living a really great life. I’d settled into a comfortable routine and and was doing really well.
By the end of it, I was quiet, constantly exhausted and frustrated, quick to temper, and for the first time in my life, having to see a REAL therapist several times a month. I was withdrawn from my community, distant from my friends – almost all of whom I was quick to get angry with because any tiny little rupture with them was blown way out of proportion because of the constant state of agitation I was in because of Erica and her bullshit, lies and manipulation.
Erica Van Driel robbed me of my being me. Of SELF. She broke me down and nearly killed me.
Yes, there were good moments with Erica. There were WONDERFUL moments with Erica. But for each wonderful moment, there were half a dozen strained, stressful and ugly moments. Thus, a trauma bond. However, those wonderful moments were the dopamine hits she dispensed in order to maintain the trauma bond she so skillfully crafted.
Take this blog for example. I’m 48 years old this year. I’ve had LOTS of relationships over my lifetime. I’ve been married and divorced, I’ve battled with my ex in court over custody, I’ve had friendships implode, I’ve had romantic connections fizzle, I’ve had breakups get really ugly. I once dated and broke up with a certified misandrist who hated men and was so incredibly toxic and awful that I said I was out, went no contact and never once felt angry because of it or really thought of her again. I’ve dated, broken, up with and managed to stay incredibly close friends with some of them, even though things didn’t work out. I’ve had long term romantic relationships blow up and then transition into chosen family that I hold near and dear to this day.
I’ve never – ever – been this version of who I am now. I have never hated anyone this viscerally or this completely and I’ve never desired to see someone held to account for the awful things they do so badly, I’ve never sued someone, and I’ve never pursued criminal or civil charges against anyone.
But then, I’ve never been sexually assaulted by anyone I ever dated, either. So I guess there’s that.
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7. Addiction to the Cycle
Often in trauma bonds, the stages can be cyclical; after a significant conflict, there may be a cool down or honeymoon period. At this moment of peace, the abuser might apologize and start the love-bombing process all over again, which makes the target feel relieved and desired, thus positively reinforcing a dependency on this abusive cycle.
Conversely, the abuser may completely shut down, become avoidant, and withhold all love, affection, and attention as a way to pressure or force the victim to apologize. When the responsibility and blame become pinned on the target, they may go to extremes to gain back favor from their abuser. By doing so, the target is falsely given the sense that they have control, and they may draw conclusions that the abuser must really love them when they succeed at winning them back, reinforcing the idea that the victim is to blame.
In conclusion, looking back through texts, photos, audio recordings and dashcam video, as well as just reflecting on my own memories… It’s so clear now that it was a trauma bond and a cycle. Erica got her hooks into me when I was at an extremely vulnerable point in my life, and despite her being (at the time) a team member of Simon Fraser University’s Sexual Violence Support and Prevention Office which ran an “annual Consent Matters campaign to raise awareness about sexual violence by educating the SFU community on the definition of consent, why it matters, and how to practice it”, she chose to engage in sex with me while I was in no condition or position to give consent, mentally OR physically.
She now claims that I was “repeatedly” begged her for sex, refused to take medications, and despite her concerns for my safety, agreed to have sex with me based on my supposedly telling her it would “take all the pain away”.
As laughable as that claim may be, it really speaks to the idea that as a clinical counselor whose area of practice includes matters of consent and sexual assault, Erica is either grossly incompetent in her job because she thinks bouncing up and down on someone with a broken pelvis, collarbone and ribs (who, according to her assertation is on NO painkillers at all) is a medically safe and sound decision, or that she’s grossly incompetent in her job because she truly believes to this day that a person in my state of mind was actually capable of consenting to a sexual act. If she can’t see that that was wrong, she’s ineffectual and unqualified as a therapist.
Either way, she committed assault, and I have yet to speak to a single person who has said it wasn’t.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
~ R
Shawna
The hardest thing to watch, as your wife, was the cycle of abuse. As a councelor that woman KNEW better, but did it anyway. And all the apologies and protestations meant nothing. Welcome back my love. We’ll come out stronger like we always do.