On August 5th 2019, I met the person who would eventually dismantle who I was as a human being, and who would ultimately cause incomprehensible amounts of emotional and psychological trauma, over and over again during an almost 4 year period. Twice in that time, I was driven to suicidal ideation because of this person. A person who would lie to me, lie to others and make me complicit in maintaining those lies. A person who was highly skilled at twisting the truth, rearranging all components of a narrative to custom build an alternate version of reality to suit her needs. A person who would omit the truth and carefully arrange and script some facts while leaving out others.
This woman was an expert in gaslighting, not only because they had been doing it their entire life, but because they’re trained as a Registered Clinical Counsellor and had specialized knowledge that they used to break me down and try to create something that suited their desires better. Using her skillset, she was able to manipulate me, gaslight me, convince me that I was the problem and that I needed fixing, from convincing me that my parenting style would mean my two sons would very likely end up as clients for someone in her industry some day, to there being a deeply wounded and traumatized “little me” (a hypothetical younger version that was a result of unresolved childhood trauma) inside that was to blame for everything.
Recently, it all came to a boiling point. Yesterday. April 13, 2023. Once again, I was manipulated, lied to, then came gaslighting, then being told my perceptions of reality were completely false, and that I was crazy. When I reacted to the situation, I was told I was crazy, dangerous, abusive, awful and a terrible person. I came home so upset, I tried to find someone to check me into the hospital for a mental health breakdown.
If I’m crazy, I am going to fight for my sanity and to feel sane again. I’m going to fight for my peace of mind. I am done with being victimized and standing barefoot in the wreckage. I’m done being controlled, manipulated, made afraid to speak my mind, and most of all, I’m sick and tired of being afraid to stand up for myself.
This blog is my space to name my abuser, and tell my story, and tell my truth. I refuse to stay quiet and protect my abuser by being silent any more. I refuse to protect my abuser by keeping her secrets. Through text logs, voice messages, voice memos, audio recordings and video, I will tell my story, tell my truth, offer evidence, and take back my life. This is how I claw my way out from under the hole my abuser buried me in.
I will go into my community to find support and care. I will find healing, and I will find it where my abuser has told me I cannot go: Into the poly/open community I live in, and that she merely sees as an income stream.
I am fighting back.
~ R
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